I was 17 years old with my first suicide attempt.
I’ve known since a young teen that I was different. A sort of darkness always seemed to follow me! Fear, anxiety, paranoia? I’m not sure.
I remember being shy. Only 1 friend. I had many aquaintences, but not friends. As I think back now, I’m not even sure she was a true friend. But if I didn’t have her, I would have been very alone.
I always clung to people, quietly Looking to see where I might fit in. I’m still looking for that♥
I don’t seem to fit with anyone, as far as friendship. I think I put too much in and expect too much in return. I’m not sure.
Making friends was never easy as a child for me. I was quiet. Never looked anyone in the eyes, maybe I felt like they could see me for the lonely person I was. I’m not sure about that either.
In my early 20s I lived in Austin, Tx at the time. I had a neighbor that lived next to me. We became very good friends. Her name is Lisa. She too, suffered with mental illness. I think that’s why we became so close.
Once I moved back home to KY., across the years we have lost touch. I miss her. She was one of a kind. (maybe one day we will meet up again)
As I said, earlier, I always knew I was different. I was always sad. I’d laugh, trying to fit in. I’d want to join in with others but at the same time I didn’t want to meet or be around anyone. Never being satisfied with anything.
When I was 16, had a boyfriend. He was very shy too. But I took a job at my local grocery store. There I met, what I thought at the time, was my one and only. Little did I know he would tear my world apart. (another post, another time) I cheated on my boyfriend and then started to date this guy.
He had me wrapped. I believed every word he said. He made me believe things that weren’t real. I turned against everyone and everything.
I became trouble to my parents. So much I thought I had no place in their world. One morning I felt so bottomed out. My thoughts were so scrambled. I didn’t know which way to turn.
At 17, I can remember going to the medicine cabinet. I was so distraught and depressed. I took out all the pill bottles in the cabinet, and I took ALL of the pills♥ around 300 pills.
I had to be at work. So, After I took the pills I went straight to work. I’m not sure how I thought I was going to work. I hadn’t thought that far ahead, I just wanted the pain gone.
Once at work, about 5 minutes from where I lived, I could feel my heart rate start to change. It began to beat so fast and so hard, I became sick. I went to my supervisor and told her what I had done. It had hit me then and there… (I had ended my own life)
She took me straight to the hospital. I remember the nurse telling me to drink some nasty charcoal liquid. I can still taste it. They ended up having to pump my stomach. I was very sick.
I just remember feeling so lonely. Hopeless. Not knowing what really made me feel so low. So low I wanted to die. I hurt so badly on the inside.
I’ve tried suicide several times.
I know the pain someone feels to make you want to die. I’ve always had it. Ive always had the depression. The mind racing, the anxiety, paranoia, etc.
I was misdiagnosed for many years and lots of medication trials. With nothing ever relieving my symptoms without making me a zombie…. Who wants that?
I know the sadness, the heartache, the emptiness, the battle in your mind, the darkness, the loneliness, the hopeless feelings that make you feel suicidal. All too well.
I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder this past year. After much research and literature, I can NOW understand why I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. Life’s trials have made things more difficult, but I’m learning now how to manage things. Some days are unbearable, but some days are good and for that I am thankful. I’m getting stronger♥
My last episode with suicide was earlier this year. My whole world was flipped upside down and it finally drug me down with it.
I spent several days in the hospital.
I’m doing so much better. I had to learn to love myself so I could help myself.
A depressed life is NO life at all.
So I strive for better now. Any way possible. I understand the power of loving me and taking care of me.
Suicide is NO longer an option… A way out. After several attempts of wanting to die, I now want to live. I now know I have a purpose. I must be the best I can be. If I never try to feel better, I would never know again what happy feels like. What peace feels like. And I want those things. I want “happy”. I want to live.
This is just part of my past and how I’ve struggled. The things that make me who I am. I still have thoughts of suicide, but my hearts in the right place with “me” now♥
As always, I’m working on ME one day at a time, one step at a time ♥